When Memories Don’t Match: Understanding Mothers and Memory After Birth

Have you ever had an argument with someone particularly a mother where they completely denied saying something, or remembered it in a way that felt totally different from your version?

It’s happened to me many times.

At first, I used to think they were just being difficult… or even dishonest. But over time, I realized something important: they’re not lying. Their version of the memory is simply different. And if they seem overly emotional, defensive, or even aggressive it’s not entirely their fault.

After giving birth, many women experience something known as "postpartum memory fog" or what we casually call "mom brain." It’s real. And it can affect how memories are stored, processed, and recalled.

With the whirlwind of sleep deprivation, intense hormonal changes, emotional rollercoasters, and the physical and mental demands of caring for a newborn, it’s not surprising that:

A mother might forget a conversation entirely.

She might insist something happened a certain way because that’s how it felt to her.

Emotions around birth, support (or lack of it), and pressure can intensify or downplay memories, reshaping how events are remembered.

This isn’t about being dishonest. It’s the brain doing what it needs to do to cope, survive, and protect. Memory isn’t a recording—it’s a reconstruction.

There was a time I bumped into an old colleague I was once very close to. As we spoke, I realized she didn’t remember anything about me worse still, she couldn’t even recall the company we had worked at together. She gently explained that during childbirth, certain neurological changes affected her memory.

Still, for someone on the other side of this dynamic, it can be incredibly frustrating.

I’ve experienced it many times.

I didn’t know how to handle it, so I did what I always do when things become too heavy:

I walk away.

I end the conversation for the sake of my peace of mind and sometimes, I even end the relationship.

Because when someone shouts at me, is unkind, or makes me feel disrespected, I choose not to stay in that space. Even if I'm just a witness in the room, watching someone else being treated poorly, I quietly excuse myself.

That’s not the kind of energy I want around me.

Postpartum is real. Not every woman goes through it the same way but for those who do, they may not even realize what’s happening. And those around them may not know how to respond.

So what can we do?

If you’re dealing with someone who’s being unreasonable, aggressive, or unkind and they’ve recently had a child or are clearly overwhelmed here are a few gentle thoughts:

Pause before reacting. It may not be personal.

Offer space and empathy. Sometimes what someone needs is to feel safe, not challenged.

Know your boundaries. Protecting your peace is valid too.

Educate yourself and others. Understanding postpartum mental health can help all of us support each other better.

We’re all carrying memories shaped by emotion, stress, and experience. The more we accept that, the more compassion we can offer even when walking away is still the healthiest choice for us.